Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Perfection always leads to peril....

I am a recovering perfectionist. I struggle every time I log onto my blog. I am not satisfied with the look of this blog, its style, its lack of photos, the font, yada, yada, yada..... you get the picture.

The real struggle for me is to just let this blog Be. Be what I originally intended - a place to log stories, practice writing, connect my mundane but unusually twisted life to the universe. For me to sit back and let this blog just Be is excruciating.... to know that this is my image in cyberspace just kills me. Why? I don't know.. because I'm a pathetic, depraved human like the rest of us.. I don't trust that what I have to say, no matter what it looks like, matters.... to anyone! Believing that its okay if my words don't matter to anyone is just fine, because my words matter to me. Accepting that my words may only ever matter to just me is good enough. GOOD ENOUGH. Those words that make perfectionists cry... GOOD ENOUGH. Good enough implies that its all still worthy, even with ugliness and mistakes and monotony and boredom and gaps in posts and ugly fonts. Good enough implies acceptance of the good parts and the not so good parts.

For perfectionists, we don't want anyone to know there are "not so good" parts. To admit the weaknesses, the failings, the inadequacies requires us to risk. To risk ourselves. To be vulnerable... oh, lordy, being vulnerable... that is definitely not the strong suit of this perfectionist, or at least that's what I want to believe.  When in fact, it is in our own need to be perfect that we show the world - in loud technicolor-flashing-lights-on-Broadway style that in fact we are a mess. A beautiful, flawed, screwed up mess.....To accept that we are still worthy to be, in all our messiness, is the goal. Either way, really, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. To be found out, through the counterfeit veil of perfection or authentically just laying it out on the table, real, unadulterated, raw,  and messy. Either way, life happens. So, I'm moving toward authenticity. You'll figure out who I am eventually.... you'll come to your own conclusions about me and that will be that. I've got too much laundry to do and too many Christmas cookies yet to bake to spend time worrying about what the blogosphere thinks, so I'll just save us both some time and lay it all out there....

Hoping you have a GOOD ENOUGH Christmas!

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